10.22.2002

Loose Ends

I have been reading the “shit” on Tamburaland board for some time now and I really have got to ask: What’s this group’s fascination with gastro-intestinal distress?

Somehow I just haven’t been able to “digest” the “ass”ertions made that each time these wild and crazy tamburasi party, they wind up with what they refer to as “o-rings”. I thought that O Rings were something you could substitute with a burger instead of fries.

It seems as though, every time they drink Karlovacko Pivo or visit a place like King Taco, or just party all weekend, they all seem to suffer from the dreaded “o-ring”. It reminds me of that old Johnny Cash song, “Ring of Fire” – “and it burns, burns, burns, the ring of fire, the ring of fire.”

Hearing that these boys have such a weak constitution reminds me of someone who didn’t have enough breast milk as a baby or maybe they’ve already passed their prime and should be hanging out on the “Senior Tambura Tour”. Geez, I haven’t read so many stories about “Loose Ends” since I picked up the testimonials on Depends (or was it SNL’s brand “Oops, I Crapped My Pants”?)

I remember the good old days when tamburasi would leave their burgs at lunchtime on Friday and drive to the closest tambura famished town, (which, where I was from, wasn’t all that close). They’d set up and play, and drink and tear down and pack up and visit their sponsor’s house where they ate and drank some more.

Then it was back in the bandwagon to the next town. They’d arrive at their guest family’s house at about 5:00 a.m. and wake everybody up. Of course, that was just in time for breakfast. Shots of sljiv with soup, bacon, eggs and kolbasi always hit the spot. They they’d crash on the couch until it was time to go set up at the hall. (Make sure the bar’s open during the set up.) Then they’d rip off a couple of sets in 4 hours – two 10 minute breaks – to “let some out” and put some back in. After that, it was tear down time and out for breakfast. I do remember sometimes seeing those guys sleeping in their eggs. Back to the guesthouse for some quiet time with your tamburas, and maybe some flaming shots. In the morning, it was Mass, followed by an early picnic in the yard. Nothing big, just a few spits of roasted chickens, maybe some prasetina and potato salad and kruha, and, oh well, some shots of sljiv and beer.

Can’t stay late – got to get “on the road again”. You know there’s this klub on the way back home that they were booked to play on Sunday afternoon. Who’s OK to drive? (Even then, there was at least one guy they could trust.) Well, what’s a Sunday afternoon if you can’t spend it playing tambura and drinking sljiv and pivo with the locals?

The only damned thing is that you’ve got to tear down and drive back to your burg now. Well, in just a few hours you’ll be back home. Home? What are you talking about - home? Back at work or back at school. It’s Monday morning.

And you know, not a word about O-Rings, or sleeping under the desk. Sleep, (I mean real sleep, not those 3 second naps in the middle of conversations) is still a day away. Thank God I’d packed my toothbrush. Let me just finish by tying up some “loose ends”. Oh, excuse me boys, I guess that’s your problem.

The Tenacious yet always Curious Tamburas

9.20.2002

TCT 2002 Extravaganza Predictions - Scorecard

#1: I was surprised by Tom Yeseta, who figured that he’d dupe TCT by dressing for the weekend as Panama Jack instead – (he got wind that Trub Steve Kruljac was doing “les haricots” and decided to maintain a safe distance). The YesMen. did a great job, as usual. And somehow they were able to get up for Mass Sunday morning – or hadn’t they gone to bed yet?

#2: It’s seems as though Dunav had better things in mind than a blockade. They decided to woo the ladies and maybe clear up some old blockages, in the process.

#3: “Sharp as a Raczar” Sviraj wowed the crowd again, (but somebody’s gotta put a leash on that fiddle player).

#4: “Tomicic Brothers Come Clean” – In a voice barely audible, Mike Tomicic confessed that the band had been living a lie and finally admitted that the Novosel Brothers had actually been “backing” the band for some time. Braca Adriatica performed swimmingly.

#5: The Grliman can certainly put on a show. Oh, 8601’s concert performance was pretty good too.

#6: Boduli rolls on – Great move hooking up with King Delmar. They can’t go wrong playing his stuff.

#7: “Chee-Chee” once again proved that she’s “The Real Enchilada” when it comes to sevdalinka.

#8: Chicago’s Sinovi, not to be one uped by the wise cracker TCT, decided to do some “Kracker” of their own, and introduced Tomo Vucinic, who, “cast” as a River Boat Gambler, apparently had been caught with Aces up his sleeve and really did need a friend (or four).

#9: Apparently Prsti got “fingered” at the boarder and never made it to the Big Easy. He doesn’t know what he missed down on Bourbon Street. Or does he?

#10: The Troobs never cease to amaze me. They play so many medleys, I think they must not know any songs all the way through. They even “dug up” Stevie Ray Roncevic to perform with them. Hey, try this one for blizanci, Roncevic and the “Wal”mart bouncing smiley face cost cutter.

#11: Instead of the predicted saxist, Jedinstvo brought along their own dancer, (they must have thought I said sexist) and those guys never stop partying.

#12: It appears that none of the “gosts” appeared after all.

#13: To put it “cimbal”ically, it seems that the band has been “Beata”fied.

#14: Tambura World News Headline – Chief momak, Ken Kosovec, shocked the Tambura world by proclaiming: “People used to come up to Peter and say; ‘Hey, aren’t you Ken Kosovec’s son?’, but now they ask Peter if he’s my father.” (We know what you meant Ken.) Primas Kenny also introduced Sonja as the only girl in the band. Thanks Ken, we hadn’t noticed. Well, it‘s really tough to bash a band as good as Momci, however, I intend to introduce a resolution to the TAA board to penalize the orchestra and ban them from the next 3 Extravaganzas for playing too many notes in 12 minutes.

#15: Well, those Sarene sure can party. Not only were the babes bejeweled with bouquets of beads, but they boosted their bustiers with baby blue boas. Best Girl Band since the Go-Gos. I wonder what they had to do for the boas.

#16: I think it was Tominellay who said that Skrseni Glas was a kick ass Tambura band. I agree, but, even without their tamburas, they were dressed like they were looking to kick somebody’s ass.

#17: I did spend some time watching Becari of St Louis. Those guys are smooth. I might even be able to tell those guys apart now. But, the “Becari” debate rages on. After many months of crafting his introduction, with help from the “Society of Fraternal Legal Counselors”, Bobo relinquished his MC spot to Val “Moses” Chkautovich, who delivered the Ten Commandments of Tambura. Most of the commandments revolved around not working. Although they might be breaking a number of the original ten, it seems that most mali tamburasi visiting this site aren’t breaking any of Val’s commandments.

#18: In a surprise move, and with the utmost class, Libby announced her retirement from performing at future Extravaganzas. Our dear Ljubica said that she wanted to make room for young and upcoming bands to be invited to future Ganzas. Libby, always willing to offer advice to young tamburasi, was heard to counsel “Prim Girl” Su-su-Cukorov to “go home and practice”. Many people, including TAA Prez, Rich Krilich, surmised that, with the ceremonial “unmasking” at the end of her performance, Libby had blown her cover and felt that it was in her best interest for “The Curious Tamburas” to bow out gracefully.

#19: What can I say about Tony Tamburitza that he hasn’t already said himself. Never at a loss for words - or double or triple or quadruple stops - the only thing that could have made Tony happier was shedding a “little light” on the subject.

#20: Kapitan Kirin’s new “Tambura Trek” proved to be quite “Enterprising”. Beam me up Stevie !! (and Wild Man Deni Peterkovic provided his own show - on and off stage.)

#21: Becari (or was it Hej, Becari) and Jedinstvo were seen pulling double duty at the Kafana. Don’t those guys ever sleep?

TCT Extra - Best Band – the Hall of Fame Orchestra.

9.10.2002

The Spurious Tamburas Perpetrates “Scam-buritza Extravaganza”

As promised, I attended the Tamburitza Extravaganza in the “Big Easy” this past weekend, and, to my amusement, observed a certain individual who was there as an imposter. This charlatan was obviously hoping to live his "15 minutes of fame" by posing as The Curious Tamburas. I listened as he uttered his “left-handed” compliments and watched as he reveled in his bogus glory, knowing “fool” well that he was perpetrating a greater sham than TCT has, himself, over the past 3 years.

And I thought to myself, these misguided tamburasi have wanted so desperately to “unmask” The Curious Tamburas, that they, once again, fell into the trap. I watched too, as they kissed his fat ass and complimented him on his intelligence and his writing abilities. And I’d like to thank him for doing a greater service to TCT than he thought. He has protected my true identity so that I may continue to report the reality of what happens in the world of Tambura.

BTW: I cannot crawl under my desk and sleep (like some other Tamburaland staff writers), as I had to return to work today and be productive. Look for my “Extravaganza Expose” and “Extravaganza Predictions Scorecard” columntaries soon.

The “Real” Curious Tamburas

8.23.2002

I have borrowed Gypsy Joe Kirin’s crystal ball and looked into the future to make TCT’s 2002 “Big – Easy” N’awlins Extravaganza Predictions.
(Hey, Leno asked for it, don’t blame me.)

TCT Extravaganza Prediction

#1: Tom Yeseta will come dressed as Buckwheat Zydeco.

#2: A group from Chicago will set up a tambura blockade on the Mississippi River in an attempt to have it renamed Dunav.

#3: Raczar Lopatic of Sviraj will add an eye patch and a gold hoop earring to his head-banded ensemble, change his name to Edgar Gabriel and take up with Mojo and The Bayou Gypsies. See his bio at: http://www.redhotmojo.com/mojo_who.htm

#4: The band coordinators of the Extravaganza will realize that the berdas and bugarijas are not really related to the Tomicic Brothers and, fearing legal action against the TAA for false advertising, will refuse to let them perform on stage. In a preemptive move, Adriatic Braca will hastily change their name to the Adriatic Guys. Feeling that he’s already “set the stage” for a transition from his traditional Bosanske leanings to New Orleans Zydeco, Tom Yeseta will dismiss the rest of the “brothers” and appear on stage alone.

#5: The Grliman will enter a building at 8601 Bourbon Street to find that it has been turned into a home for wayward tamburasi.

#6: Boduli will hole up in the Islander ballroom at the Marriott, and following what the newspapers will refer to as a tambura junta, claim the site as their homeland, proclaim Papa Doc Grliman as their dictator, and officially secede from the United States.

#7: Tom “Trumpet-Man” Fredo, of Zabava will unexpectedly miss the band’s performance. With an obvious “Chip” on his shoulder, front-man Frank Bozicevic will question Fredo as to his whereabouts. The “Trumpet-Man” will relate how he felt mysteriously compelled to join a funeral procession as they passed by the hotel playing “When The Saints Go Marching In".

#8: The Gornick Brothers of Chicago’s Sinovi will appear on stage as the Croatian Smothers Brothers and do a comedy skit entitled “Dad Always Liked You Best”.

#9: Steve Wagner will arrive with his full entourage of Prsti’s Chicks. New Orleans police lead them away in handcuffs, stating that they are duty bound to attempt to clean up the red light district in the French Quarter.

#10: Trubaduri will come disguised as tamburasi, thinking that they have arrived just in time for Mardi Gras.

#11: Ex-Trubadur saxist, Russ Kirin, who recently disappeared somewhere in Arizona (apparently the victim of alien abduction), will (re)appear with Jedinstvo as the “6th man”. Russ believes it was destiny that led him to Tempe and that the town’s name is really a pseudonym used to describe the band’s complex layered multi rhythmic arrangements.

#12: The Balkan Serenaders will have a “gost” bugarija player appear with them on stage.

#13: Walter Mahovlich will be seen trying to explain the meaning of the group’s name to tourists who ask him why he’s playing an accordion instead of a harmonica. Walt tries, in vain, to explain that “harmonica” is the word for accordion in Croatian, but that the group’s name is really Harmonia, which is not the same as harmonica. Walt is arrested for assault when he attempts to put “the squeeze” on one of the tourists when he asks who plays the “cymbals”.

#14: Frank Corak will walk out on “Momci” complaining that he’s tired of people referring to the band as “boys”. Frank will be heard saying “Nobody calls me boy – not with all this facial hair.” Sonya is also noticeably annoyed by the inherent chauvinism apparently displayed in the name.

#15: The Sarena gals will be forced to leave stage to protect themselves as a group of misguided party goers stumbles into the ballroom and throws dozens of pairs of beads on stage in an effort to entice the girls to show their “pairs”.

#16: Skrseni Glas (or Skrseni Gals, as Joekirinaround refers to them), having watched too many “Gals Gone Wild” videos, will appear topless at the concert in an effort to entice the audience to reward them with beads.

#17: Bob “Master of Ceremonies” Novosel will make a gutsy, but ill conceived, attempt to put an end to the ongoing “What’s in a Name” saga by meticulously explaining the differences between the 2 bands. Unfortunately, as Bob calls the Becari of St. Louis to the stage, he finishes his introduction with: “Hej, Becari, come on up here.”

#18: Mikey D will take issue with the front desk clerk for addressing Libby as Madam. Although the clerk attempts to apologize, saying he meant no disrespect, Mikey D will whip out his prim and play behind his head until the clerk passes out. The manager will then refuse to honor the band’s room bookings and have them escorted out of the hotel. As the wax from Pio’s handlebar moustache melts in the sultry heat of New Orleans, Jim Husnick quips “Hey Pio, looks like you’re having a bad hair day".

#19: Tony Tamburitza will accuse John Miksich of selling out the Continentals for his “moonlighting” stint with Dunav. The Tamburitza Man will throw Miksy out of the band and call Prsti into emergency tamburasurgery to add a bass string to his brac thereby bringing birth to the berdabrac (aka bas-basprim).

#20: In a tribute to Jerry Grcevich (and his reverent esteem of brat pack singer Dean Martin), Tamburitza Rroma will perform a Django gypsy version of Arrivaderci Rroma. Learn about Kirin’s new tambur-obsession at: http://www.hotclub.co.uk

#21: The Curious Tamburas will be seen hanging out nightly at what he refers to as the S&M Kafana, watching as tamburasi play their fingers to the bone. (Or is it finger their tamburas with bone picks? He calls the bar the S&M Kafana because, in his opinion, any place that has non-stop tambura music must be full of Sadists & Masochists.

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